New Habitude program at Turning Point!

The Alberta Council of Women’s Shelters (ACWS) has just published the results of a Leger Marketing poll of 1000 men age 18 and over on their views of domestic violence.

According to the survey, most men think it is never acceptable to physically assault a woman. More than 90% of men responding to questions of what is “acceptable behaviour towards women” considered “physical assault” “never” acceptable when: “she refuses to have sex,” “she admits to having sex with another man,” “she does something to make him angry,” and so forth. To me, that isn’t bad news, epidemiologically at least.

Interestingly, though, media reports on the survey turned this fairly upbeat news on its head. Almost unanimously they focused on variations of the headline used by the CBC: “OK to hit women if angry, 8% of Alberta men say.

Whoa, now it’s not upbeat at all! It’s very alarming! At least the CBC got the figure correct; CTV and others rounded the figure up to “one in ten”.

On an issue of such importance, honesty and accuracy are critical. But I find this survey superficial. What, for example, does “she does something to make him angry” mean? The survey doesn’t break it down, or give any indication of a spectrum of incitements to anger. Is the provocation to anger burning his toast, or hitting him over the head with a frying pan? There is a qualitative difference between the two.

There have been surveys that did ask specific questions with regard to when violence against a woman might be acceptable in a man’s mind. In 2001, for example, there was a U.S. survey (Simon et al) covering a far more numerous and more nationally representative sample than the ACWS one. It polled 5,238 men and women, equally divided by numbers.

Of the men polled, 9.8% said it was okay to hit a woman if she hits him first.” Only 2% said it was okay to hit a woman as a means of controlling her. Interestingly, of the women polled, 7.8% agreed that it was okay for a man to hit a woman if she hit him first.

I believe my scepticism is especially justified because this survey is so one-sided. Domestic violence happens by and to both men and women. We need both views, as in the U.S. survey above, to form an opinion.

In the ACWS survey, we have the troubling finding that only 39% of respondents agree that a parent slapping a child’s face should be considered family violence. Jan Reimer, provincial co-ordinator for the ACWS, said she found it “quite concerning,” for example, that so many men don’t consider slapping a child’s face to be a form of domestic violence. But what if the survey had asked the same question of women? If the figure were the same or even higher amongst women, would her concern be mitigated? Would Ms Reimer’s condemnation shift to a less indignant register?

From the Alberta survey, one takes away the impression that only males have a problem with physical aggression, which is demonstrably not the case. When one looks at surveys where both sexes are polled, one sees that anger management issues are a problem for a fraction of less than 10% of the population of both sexes in intimate partnerships — similar to the figure in the Alberta survey, but one that applies to both sexes. Yes, a problem, but a community problem, not a gender one.

This survey is about men’s “views.” But what is more important? Views or actual behaviour? From U.S. and Canadian government reports, as well as many peer-reviewed studies – not marketing company surveys – we know that in terms of actual behaviour between intimate partners, women are as likely – or more likely in younger cohorts – to initiate mild to moderate physical aggression than men (up to and including knifing). They are also more likely to be physically abusive to children.

So I am left to wonder what purpose this survey has served. We have a clue in Ms Reimer’s linking of the negative male views to the feminist mantra: “centuries of control and male privilege.” If women had been polled and their views lined up with the male views, it would put paid to that simplistic conclusion.

My own conclusion is that the goal of the exercise was to further entrench the already well-established myth that only men perpetrate domestic violence and only men are a danger to their children. It has doubtless succeeded in that goal. But as original, valuable and objective insight on a thorny social issue to the Canadian public (as it should have been), I’d say it was money down the drain.

National Post

On a daily basis I am asked questions about Addiction. With so much information out there, it can still be very confusing for one to find an answer that fits their specific question.  Sometimes these questions come from family members, concerned friends, employers, fellow employees, Physicians’, counsellors, clergy, School Principals, Associations, Police Officers, Lawyers, and just about every walk of life.

The reality is Addiction affects everyone. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t know someone who is addicted. It might be your neighbour, school friend, secretary, boss, son, daughter, husband, father, mother, brother or sister. They may or may not be asking for help.

The confusion lies in what to do.

With so much contradictory information out there, who do you trust.

I don’t have all the answers, but I am a good listener and a good researcher….. I speak to those in recovery, those actively who are actively using, those that are trying to help them with medical or non-medical support, and those that are enabling them and preventing them from reaching for help.

Some believe that they just have to want it bad enough to get the help they need and others believe that their “sick” minds will preventing them from accepting the help, even when it is right in front of them.

So I have been asked to address some of these questions and hopefully provide you with my twist on what I might see as a solution to your dilemma, or offer some feedback that encourages you to make some changes, or lastly to have you maybe look at an alternative way of dealing with the situation that you keep finding yourself in.

I guess I can be Good Cop and Bad Cop….I want you to pretend for a minute that I am in your kitchen and we are having a cup of tea and just chatting about life.  As a friend, I will listen to your question and give you my honest answer. You can take it or you can leave it. No harm, No Foul.

I thought I would share a couple of standard questions that are presented to me on a daily basis, just so we can get the ball rolling and you can digest my answers and see if I am the type of friend that you feel comfortable being honest with……. and if so, then forward your question to my column “A CUP of T”

Question:

I suspect my son is using drugs. He is 21 years old and lives at home with us. He has been hanging out with some new friends and is very angry all the time with us. He yells and screams that we aren’t giving him space and we are causing him to be angry. He is not working and sleeps all day and goes out all night. I wait up for him as I am worried and cannot sleep until he gets home. When he is home, he stays in his bedroom. What should we do?

Answer:

Ok he is 21years old and ruling your home with his schedule. He has a right to his own friends, his own schedule. BUT you have right too. I would suggest you sit down with him and tell him what your house rules are. No-one lives anywhere for free. Friends would not put up with this for sure. He needs to work or be in school. If he is not working then he needs to be focused on obtaining a job… any job and in the interim…he needs to volunteer. He needs purpose! He also needs to share in the household responsibilities. Lastly, I would also suggest purchasing a few drug kits. (in case one gets spoiled) and asking him to do a urine test as you suspect he is using drugs. Outline to him that “your” home is drug free. If he refuses to do drug test…. then he must leave. If he tests positive, then you need to figure out how he is going to get some help.

Question:

My husband just got charged with a DUI and is in jail, what should I do to help him.

Answer:

You cannot fix the problem. Only he can. You can be there to support him if he chooses to get some help with his drinking… but that is all. Do not baby him or believe that he has learned his lesson and will never drink again. He needs help with his addiction and must be open to seeking help. Provide him with options for treatment and then see what he does. He needs to want this more than you do.

Understandably when I speak to people of the phone, it is not as black and white as these answers, but I think you get the gist of my message.  So, please forward any questions or concerns that you might have to me and I will do my best to provide you with a honest and open answer. I invite you into my home for a Cup of T

written by Tammy Francoeur