New Habitude program at Turning Point!

On a daily basis I am asked questions about Addiction. With so much information out there, it can still be very confusing for one to find an answer that fits their specific question.  Sometimes these questions come from family members, concerned friends, employers, fellow employees, Physicians’, counsellors, clergy, School Principals, Associations, Police Officers, Lawyers, and just about every walk of life.

The reality is Addiction affects everyone. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t know someone who is addicted. It might be your neighbour, school friend, secretary, boss, son, daughter, husband, father, mother, brother or sister. They may or may not be asking for help.

The confusion lies in what to do.

With so much contradictory information out there, who do you trust.

I don’t have all the answers, but I am a good listener and a good researcher….. I speak to those in recovery, those actively who are actively using, those that are trying to help them with medical or non-medical support, and those that are enabling them and preventing them from reaching for help.

Some believe that they just have to want it bad enough to get the help they need and others believe that their “sick” minds will preventing them from accepting the help, even when it is right in front of them.

So I have been asked to address some of these questions and hopefully provide you with my twist on what I might see as a solution to your dilemma, or offer some feedback that encourages you to make some changes, or lastly to have you maybe look at an alternative way of dealing with the situation that you keep finding yourself in.

I guess I can be Good Cop and Bad Cop….I want you to pretend for a minute that I am in your kitchen and we are having a cup of tea and just chatting about life.  As a friend, I will listen to your question and give you my honest answer. You can take it or you can leave it. No harm, No Foul.

I thought I would share a couple of standard questions that are presented to me on a daily basis, just so we can get the ball rolling and you can digest my answers and see if I am the type of friend that you feel comfortable being honest with……. and if so, then forward your question to my column “A CUP of T”

Question:

I suspect my son is using drugs. He is 21 years old and lives at home with us. He has been hanging out with some new friends and is very angry all the time with us. He yells and screams that we aren’t giving him space and we are causing him to be angry. He is not working and sleeps all day and goes out all night. I wait up for him as I am worried and cannot sleep until he gets home. When he is home, he stays in his bedroom. What should we do?

Answer:

Ok he is 21years old and ruling your home with his schedule. He has a right to his own friends, his own schedule. BUT you have right too. I would suggest you sit down with him and tell him what your house rules are. No-one lives anywhere for free. Friends would not put up with this for sure. He needs to work or be in school. If he is not working then he needs to be focused on obtaining a job… any job and in the interim…he needs to volunteer. He needs purpose! He also needs to share in the household responsibilities. Lastly, I would also suggest purchasing a few drug kits. (in case one gets spoiled) and asking him to do a urine test as you suspect he is using drugs. Outline to him that “your” home is drug free. If he refuses to do drug test…. then he must leave. If he tests positive, then you need to figure out how he is going to get some help.

Question:

My husband just got charged with a DUI and is in jail, what should I do to help him.

Answer:

You cannot fix the problem. Only he can. You can be there to support him if he chooses to get some help with his drinking… but that is all. Do not baby him or believe that he has learned his lesson and will never drink again. He needs help with his addiction and must be open to seeking help. Provide him with options for treatment and then see what he does. He needs to want this more than you do.

Understandably when I speak to people of the phone, it is not as black and white as these answers, but I think you get the gist of my message.  So, please forward any questions or concerns that you might have to me and I will do my best to provide you with a honest and open answer. I invite you into my home for a Cup of T

written by Tammy Francoeur

“Admitting error clears the score, and proves you wiser than before.”… Arthur Guiterman

Confession of any wrong allows everyone involved the freedom of forgiveness, and dismisses a ton of guilt from the equation. The key is sincerity, which is proven over time by not being a repeat offender. That does not mean that you will cease making mistakes in judgement, but it does mean that the offense where pardon was asked for and granted will not reoccur endlessly throughout your lifetime.

Forgiving the same error over and over brings shame into the mix, altering mercy given into a sad form of punishment. To forgive something is much different than condoning it, but when the same issue keeps coming up and free pardon is always granted the line between the two is quickly crossed. Condoning transforms into enabling in the blink of an eye, which guarantees the forgiver a more than fair share of guilt for an offence that has already caused them heartache.

When someone fails to learn from their mistakes then any positives that could occur as a result of the lesson is deleted by default. No wisdom can ever come from de-fault if de-fault is not shouldered in a fashion that embraces its responsibilities. Asking for forgiveness implies lesson learned, or why else would you admit the error in the first place? When we receive amnesty it is our obligation to live up to the faith shown by following through with actions that speak louder than any words ever could.

Self-awareness plays a huge part in the gaining of wisdom. Autopilot is not a safe form of flight for a lifetime; we may use it from time-to-time without any damage done, but prolonged dependence upon it is the fastest route to a crash and burn destination. Examining errors shows us clearly why it was done, and how to avoid it in the future. True wisdom comes from walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Any fool can beg for forgiveness, but the wise truly deserve it.