Turning Point's Habitude™ Program

The role of Victim (poor me) is a favorite for many of us. There are so many benefits we can ascertain by playing the role of the victim.

1. We automatically gain self-worth. Follow this reasoning closely. As a victim, we are the one to whom injustice is being done, thus the others are unjust, incorrect, not okay, and wrong in what they do. Consequently, we are just, okay, good and right. We are worthy and they are not. Many of us who do not have sufficient self-esteem find this as the only way we can establish our self-worth, by being the victims of others’ wrong doings.

2. As victims, we can play on the others’ pity and guilt. When they are angry with us, we can diminish their rage and aggression by playing the weak, abused person. When we want something from someone, we can play on their guilt by making them believe they are at fault for our unhappiness or our problems.

3. As victims, we are not responsible for our reality, and thus not to blame if we or our lives are not in good condition. We have an excuse for not being okay or manifesting our potential.
As a result, we gain what we want from the others by making them feel responsible for our reality, and by making ourselves seem weak, incapable and in need of help.

When confronted with loved ones who are playing the role of victim, we need to free ourselves from the illusion that they are weak and incapable, and that we are responsible for their reality or can create their happiness, health or success in life. We need to express our love to them in ways they can perceive, without getting caught up in feeling responsible or guilty for their reality. This requires a combination of love, effective communication and clarity of mind. We need to help them find another way of getting what they need that is free from self-pity and unnecessary suffering.

The victim “needs” to be unhappy, thus he or she will find daily reasons not to be happy. Those reasons also frequently imply that the others around them are to blame. The victim finds it difficult to say, “What a wonderful day it is,” or “How happy I am,” or “Thank you for being such a nice person to me” (unless you are new in their lives and “different from all the insensitive people” already in their lives).

How I would like to react to a Victim.

I would like to keep clear in my mind that I cannot create the other’s health, happiness, success or satisfaction. I want also to remember that the other is an expression of the divine who has all the powers to manifest what she has incarnated to create in her life.

I want to remember that she needs my love and attention, and will give it freely whenever she is not in the role of the victim.

When she does get into the role of victim I will explain that I love and care for her and want her to be happy, but that that I cannot create that. I am willing to help her if she wants to take responsibility and work towards her happiness. I can ask her questions that might help her realize what she needs to do to create her happiness. I can also ask questions, which may help her see how blessed she already is, and also what powers lie within her that she can use to create the reality she desires.

Throughout this process I will remain very clear that I am not responsible for what she is feeling. If she accuses me of not doing enough, I will check with my conscience and if I decided that she is right, I will start doing more. If I judge that she is wrong, then I will peacefully tell her so and explain that I am not going to do more and if she wants to discuss finding other solutions, I will be happy to.

I will also explain that I will no longer feel guilty about her unhappiness and as I am clear about doing whatever I can, and that playing the victim will not help her get more from me.

A possible honest communication with a Victim might go something like this.

I-message to a Victim

“Dear, I want you to know that I love and care for you, and want very much for you to be happy, healthy and satisfied in your life. I want that very much. However, I am beginning to realize that I cannot create that for you. I realize now that I have been feeling responsible for your reality and sometimes guilty because you are not as happy and satisfied as we would both like you to be.”

“I now understand that I do not help you by feeling responsible or guilty. These feelings just make me angry with you because you do not do what you could be doing to create a happier life for yourself. Also, when you focus on what you do not have, rather than all the wonderful things you do have, you do not see how wonderful your life really is.”

“Thus, I will no longer try to create your happiness or get your approval through your expression of satisfaction. I am going to love you and offer you whatever I can without doing more than I believe I should and without getting angry with you because you are not satisfied.”

“Is there something you would like to share with me concerning this?”

Brenda Herzog

OUR POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE beliefs not only impact our health but also every aspect of our life. Henry Ford was right about the efficiency of assembly lines, and he was right about the power of the mind: “If you believe you can or if you believe you can’t . . . you’re right.” Think about the implications of the man who blithely drank the bacteria that medicine had decided caused cholera. Consider the people who walk across coals without getting burned. If they wobble in the steadfastness of their belief that they can do it, they wind up with burned feet. Your beliefs act like filters on a camera, changing how you see the world. And your biology adapts to those beliefs. When we truly recognize that our beliefs are that powerful, we hold the key to freedom. While we cannot readily change the codes of our genetic blueprints, we can change our minds and, in the process, switch the blueprints used to express our genetic potential.

In my lectures I provide two sets of plastic filters, one red and one green. I have the audience pick one color and then look at a blank screen. I then tell them to yell out whether the image I project next is one that generates love or generates fear. Those in the audience that don the red “belief” filters see an inviting picture of a cottage labeled “House of Love,” flowers, a sunny sky and the message: “I live in Love.” Those wearing the green filters see a threatening dark sky, bats, snakes, a ghost hovering outside a dark, gloomy house and the words: “I live in fear.” I always get enjoyment out of seeing how the audience responds to the confusion when half yell out: “I live in love,” and the other half, in equal certainty, yells out: “I live in fear” in response to the same image.
Then I ask the audience to change to the opposite colored filters. My point is that you can choose what to see. You can filter your life with rose-colored beliefs that will help your body grow or you can use a dark filter that turns everything black and makes your body/mind more susceptible to disease. You can live a life of fear or live a life of love. You have the choice! But I can tell you that if you choose to see a world full of love, your body will respond by growing in health. If you choose to believe that you live in a dark world full of fear, your body’s health will be compromised as you physiologically close yourself down in a protection response.

Learning how to harness your mind to promote growth is the secret of life, which is why I called my book The Biology of Belief. Of course the secret of life is not a secret at all. Teachers like Buddha and Jesus have been telling us the same story for millennia. Now science is pointing in the same direction. It is not our genes but our beliefs that control our lives . . . Oh ye of little belief!

Living in love and living in fear create opposite effects in the body and the mind. I’d just like to emphasize again that not only is there nothing wrong with going through life wearing the proverbial rose-colored glasses. In fact, those rose-colored glasses are necessary for your cells to thrive. Positive thoughts are a biological mandate for a happy, healthy life. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi:

Your beliefs become your thoughts

Your thoughts become your words

Your words become your actions

Your actions become your habits

Your habits become your values

Your values become your destiny

Bruce H. Lipton, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized authority in bridging science and spirit and a leading voice in new biology. www.BruceLipton.com.

Many psychological studies have shown that it is not possible to be in a state of love and anger at the same time. At any one given moment it is either anger or love. This same notion applies to self-awareness and ego. It is not possible to be focused on your awareness and your ego at the same time. Awareness is about noticing what you are doing, observing yourself. Ego is about protecting yourself. So we are either being guided by our ego or our awareness.

For example: You are in a meeting, someone mentions something, your ego picks up on it, starts to think about what they said, why they said it etc. Before you know it you have missed five minutes of a conversation, if not even longer. You have faded out. The same applies when you respond to something someone says. You can respond by being aware of what they said, the language they used and what is occurring in that moment for them to create the conversation they are having. Or you can hear something they say, attach a feeling to it, either anger, or another emotion and then react to the emotion.

It is true that oftentimes our focus on protecting ourselves (ego), our created images and beliefs of who we are can result in a defensive stance which takes us away from dealing with the root causes or seeking opportunities based in being aware of who we are, our passions, hopes, capabilities, unique desires, dreams and sense of fulfillment.

Our ego removes us from being present. Our ego places meaning on things that don’t exist. Our ego is like a case that we carry around with us full of memories, emotions and battles fought. Our ego reinterprets reality and then makes us believe the new story we have created is real. Our self-awareness has no baggage. It is having an acute sense of what is going on right in the minute that you are in. You see reality for what it is; a range of facts.

Brenda Herzog